We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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