i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize