i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
