I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
