im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
