If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
