so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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