he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Randomize
