so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize