Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
