I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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