I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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