all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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