So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
