I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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