I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Everything about him screamed your future.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
