Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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