I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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