1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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