im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
