I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
