they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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