HIV tests are more positive than that guy
People in love make me want to vomit
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
