Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
