WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize