The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize