there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
