i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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