My hand turned me down
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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