Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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