I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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