You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
