There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My cat gives me a boner
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
