thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
