you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
