You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
