I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
