do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
only you would photoshop your dick
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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