I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
