Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
