Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i think we sleep fucked last night...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
