new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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