I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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