She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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