You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
