the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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