my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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