My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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