I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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