I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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