So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize