I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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