just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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