I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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