you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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