I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
