That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
