its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
