I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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