I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
