those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
