Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
